What Day Is It?

I’m not really sure what to attribute it to — fibromyalgia, general tiredness, or continued grief over my dad’s death, but I can’t seem to keep track of what day it is! The only days I seem to be sure of are Friday, Saturday, and Monday. Maybe because they are my most favorite and least favorite of the week. (I’ll let you guess which is which.)

When I first started to feel the symptoms of fibromyalgia about five years ago, the fatigue and “fibro fog” were the most noticeable and frustrating issues. Fibro fog is something that I still deal with every day to varying degrees, and it affects several areas of brain function that I used to take for granted, like short-term memory, concentration, and word finding. There were times when I would be in the middle of a conversation and I would completely lose what I was saying. My friends and family seemed to get used to it, but I couldn’t.

I now take a medication classified as an anti-depressant that takes much of the fog away. But when I’m overly tired or stressed, I see an increase in these issues. Lately, I can’t remember what day of the week we’re on. My mantra seems to have morphed into a quickly muttered ”What day is it?”  to whomever is around … followed by a long sigh. Today is Tuesday.

A Word on Fibromyalgia Fatigue

Describing what it’s like to have Fibromyalgia is difficult. Not only is it an invisible illness, but each symptom “sounds” like typical body aches and issues which accompany any normal life — pain, fatigue, etc. But the fatigue was the instrumental factor in my beginnings of searching for a diagnosis. It was a fatigue I had never felt before. I knew something was wrong with my body, but neither I nor my doctors could pinpoint what was the cause … not for 3 years.

I found this description of Fibromyalgia-related fatigue on Pro Health’s website. It’s the most accurate description I’ve ever come across. It puts words to feelings and struggles.

The fatigue experienced by fibromyalgia patients is nothing like the fatigue most people experience at the end of a long day or following a strenuous workout. It is a pervasive, all-encompassing exhaustion that can interfere with even the most basic and simple daily activities. For example, FM patients frequently say that by the time they shower and get dressed to go out, they are too tired to go anywhere. 

Another defining factor of the fatigue of fibromyalgia is that it is not relieved by sleep. Patients may awaken feeling just as fatigued as they did before they went to sleep. 

Google Did Well

I usually look past Google’s drawings, but today it caught my eye and caused me to stop and meditate on the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. There are few people who have left a legacy worth talking about, in my mind. Save Jesus Christ, I often have a hard time coming up with others, and while no man or woman will have the impact Jesus had and continues to have on humanity, Dr. King is one of the few noteworthy humans who changed the world forever. Is it a coincidence he was a Christian? I think not.

Room Lust

In a Word – Pneumonia

Yes, folks, I have pretty much been sequestered in my house with pneumonia for the last 11 days. Yuck is all I can say to that! I’ve never had pneumonia before and I pray I NEVER experience this again. Illness has also increased my fibromyalgia symptoms, so my hopes for 2012 being a better all around year have not gotten a good start. BUT, I will remain positive that my body is on the mend and 2012 will be a better year. More on that tomorrow … hopefully … depending on my energy. Man, I’m tired!

Dreams and Reality

You don’t have to be a spiritual advisor to fully understand this truth: There are dreams, and then, there’s reality. I find myself thinking about this more and more these days. My dreams are probably common for a woman my age — successful career, family, home of my own. But life, “reality,” has a way of working out quite differently then we expect. Take where I’m at now: Job, yes. Family, not so much husband and kids … and now my dad is gone … so it’s me, my pets, and my mom, who lives a few miles away, and my sister, who lives a few hundred miles away. Home of my own, SO NOT HAPPENING!

I had hoped, as had my dad, that I would be in my own home by now, but things quickly change and come the new year I will once again be moving back into my parents’ house. I moved there after college, and then when I went to graduate school. Those times were out of necessity and frugality. This time will be more for companionship and finances. My parents tried about a year ago to sell their house and downsize, but with the market where it is, you can imagine the frustration and utter defeat they felt. Now, it’s just my mom in a too-big-for-one house and me renting a house nearby. Combining our two situations and pooling our finances seems a logical scenario. I’ll admit I’m having a hard time with the whole idea of living with my mom as a single woman in her 30′s. But, when I’m honest with myself and banish the “what will people say” mentality, there is no place I’d rather be. I can’t imagine my mom having to maintain that house by herself — besides the fact of being in the house by herself day in and day out.

So, decision made. Mind grappling slowly and surely. Moving date is set and I will be the one downsizing. Anyone need a sofa? Cheers to the practical and to the joy that can and will be found in the reality realm of being.

Small Treasures

I was looking through pictures on my parents’ camera and found this gem. My mom, sister, and dad on their trip to Cincinnati to visit my sister at the end of September. This must be one of the last pictures we have of dad. I’m so thankful he and my mom were able to celebrate their 44th wedding anniversary with my sister. They also got to see her dance (she’s a professional ballet dancer).

Does Life Get Back to Normal?

The last three weeks have been very difficult without my dad. I’ve done what is necessary — worked, etc., but I haven’t done much else. I’ve talked with several friends and family members about what is “right” for me to do, how I should be acting. When I’m depressed, I tend to draw inward and cut myself off from the world around me. Honestly, I think this is an area of my personality that takes after my dad. He was quite similar in instances of distress.

The resounding response from those I’ve sought counsel from is that whatever I am feeling is ok and understandable during this time. No one grieves alike. No one can tell another that they are not dealing with a loss properly. Right now, all I really want is to snuggle on my couch with my pets and remember my dad. I know, in time, things in my life will regain some sense of normalcy; however, I know that “normal” will be reshaped around the hole in my heart.

The Next Day

I’m at the library. Not so much to socialize with people but to be around people. Hearing life go on around me seems to help me in my grief. At home, all I’ve done is snuggle with my dogs, play solitaire, and sleep. I really need to get the laundry done and dust off the vacuum.

This loss — the loss of my father — is the greatest loss I’ve experienced in life so far. I’m not really sure how to move on to the next day and the next day after that. I feel like something happens almost every minute that makes me think of my dad or make me want to call my dad. Then, I remember. I last talked to him one week ago. I can’t believe that was the last time.

In my search of pictures of my dad last week … doing a slide show for his funeral, I came across a video I took last Christmas. It’s focused on the dogs, but in the background, I can hear my dad’s voice. That is a treasure I will always keep.

I’m sure I’ll find other things, other treasures. Actually, I found a card I gave him last Christmas on his desk. Another treasure. More will come, and with them, more tears. Tears of sorrow and of joy. God blessed me with an amazing dad. Thank you, Lord, and take good care of him.

My Father

Born Ronald Reginald Charles Harold in Ipswich, Suffolk, England

Handsome chap — came to the US when he was 21 and served in the US Army for 4 years

Married to my mom for 44 years

 

Devoted family man 

Taught me to love dogs

My pops — encouraged me in everything I did!