Early Spring

Atlanta has had an early Spring, after a very mild winter. The flowers started blooming about a month ago and I have long since abandoned the down comforter. For me, Spring brings a whole new perspective on things — at least, most of the time. I  see my wardrobe differently while cleaning out the closets — off to the consignment store with the discards! My daily drive around town (and around and around) is more relaxing with the windows rolled down and the sunroof open. The longer days of sunshine are good for the soul, and I try to spend some time outside with the dogs every day.

But there are other things that Spring brings to me. Sometime it’s more of a life evaluation. What am I do? What am I not doing? What do I want to be doing? Etc. As the questions swirl in my mind, my frustration mounts. My to-do list grows. My energy dissipates.

I try to overcome my health issues but then I’m just defeated and lay on the bed alone. There has to be a way to live life without being ruled hand over foot by my fibromyalgia and autoimmune disease. There has to be a way to go about my daily routine without being tired before I leave the house. This Spring, my number one priority is doing more for my health and pushing myself as much as I can to live a healthy lifestyle, which in turn may decrease the daily symptoms of fibromyalgia.

Allowing Grief In and Out

To be honest, my study on Contentment isn’t really go very well. I’m having a hard time focusing on even the word contentment while I’m missing my dad so much. The pain doesn’t feel less, if anything it feels so much more.

We sold his car this weekend. It’s weird not seeing it in the driveway. Over the last four months since my dad died, I’ve snuck in the car several times just to smell my dad. Weird? Maybe. My dad smoked a pipe for as long as I can remember. The car smelled like his pipe. It annoyed me when he was alive because I wanted him to quit, but now that he’s gone, I can’t smell it enough.

I was talking to a friend this week about grief and how I just have a feeling of being in a funk and not wanting to get out of it. She told me what a counselor once told her … states of “funk” or depression or whatever you want to call it aren’t meant to be lived through lightly or speedily. There is a reason for the feelings and we must allow ourselves this funk period if we are to grieve in a healthy way.

Next week is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 74. I know it will be a rough day, but my mom and I have decided to take the day off from our respective jobs and do something together. We know we will finish the day with a dinner of Italian food, purchased with a coupon, because that was dad’s way.

Getting Real

I’m sitting at the kitchen table still in my pjs. I had plans this morning, but the reality of chronic illness has negated the plans. The most frustrating symptoms of Fibromyalgia for me are the unpredictable ones. Yes, I know the pain is unpredictable and the fatigue is unpredictable, but actually, I consider pain and fatigue predictable in that I know I will have them each day … what’s unpredictable is the level at which I feel each on a daily basis. But that I can deal with for the most part. The symptoms I am talking about today as the “unpredictable” are the ones that I don’t experience everyday, but the threat is almost always there. 

Some of these symptoms include numbness and tingling, palpitations, irritable bowel syndrome, and migraine headaches. For me, most of these symptoms are fleeting, but today, I feel isolated in my home because of … and this isn’t pretty and is quite private … irritable bowel syndrome. It hits so unexpectedly. But when it does, I am kept close to home, where I feel the most comfortable to deal with this issue. Of course, IBS isn’t an easy thing to talk about, especially with friends with whom I had plans and have to cancel. I usually just say, “I’m sick today,” and don’t get into the specifics. I feel guilty and less than adequate that I can’t carry on my normal social life. I feel guilty to seemingly push my friends aside and confine myself to my bed. These feelings aren’t easy to get through or past. I hope my friends understand, but wonder if future invitations for social outings will fade away because of my illness. 

Trying to help others understand what it’s like to live with chronic illness is hard. At this moment, I hesitate to put it all out there, but if I don’t, I am not giving a true picture of my health. So there it is — as real as it gets.

Finding Encouragement in the Land of Struggles

It’s no secret that contentment is one of the greatest struggles for the human race. We, as humans, are constantly striving, searching for more, more, more — better job, bigger house, luxury car, latest trendy clothing, etc. I’m no exception, and when I find myself in the midst of changes that pull me away from “success” as I see it, I wallow. (I don’t like to toot my own horn, but I’m the queen of wallowing!) And the wallowing leads to more wallowing, and so on.

In a recent trip to my local bookstore, I came across this book: Contentment : a Godly Woman’s Adornment by Lydia Brownback. I was intrigued and went on to peruse a few pages. I was moved by several examples Brownback had in the book and purchased it. Now that I have it at home, I find myself re-reading the Introduction over and over. I haven’t gotten passed the first 2 pages!

The intro is such good stuff that I wanted to share some with you. See if you can relate:

“You can have it all, so don’t settle for less.” That is what we are told. So we spend ourselves on life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Realization of the American dream — the Western dream — lies at our fingertips. But that is largely the problem — so much of what we want remains just out of reach. We can touch it, but we cannot get our hands around it. And sometimes we do get hold of it, but we are not any happier. There is always something we still don’t have. So we pour our lives into acquiring that one next thing. “Then I’ll be happy,” we say. But we are always saying that, because there is always just one more thing. 

Exactly! As I’ve written this blog for several years now, I try to be as real as feels comfortable with my readers. But I feel God pulling at my heart to put aside my apprehensions and “put it all out there.” I’m not sure where this will take me or this blog, but my first course of action is to share with you my thoughts, convictions, motivations, etc., as I work my way through Brownback’s book. I pray it will encourage you to look at your own life and what you’re working” towards — the next best thing? worldly happiness? or true contentment in God?

 

What Day Is It?

I’m not really sure what to attribute it to — fibromyalgia, general tiredness, or continued grief over my dad’s death, but I can’t seem to keep track of what day it is! The only days I seem to be sure of are Friday, Saturday, and Monday. Maybe because they are my most favorite and least favorite of the week. (I’ll let you guess which is which.)

When I first started to feel the symptoms of fibromyalgia about five years ago, the fatigue and “fibro fog” were the most noticeable and frustrating issues. Fibro fog is something that I still deal with every day to varying degrees, and it affects several areas of brain function that I used to take for granted, like short-term memory, concentration, and word finding. There were times when I would be in the middle of a conversation and I would completely lose what I was saying. My friends and family seemed to get used to it, but I couldn’t.

I now take a medication classified as an anti-depressant that takes much of the fog away. But when I’m overly tired or stressed, I see an increase in these issues. Lately, I can’t remember what day of the week we’re on. My mantra seems to have morphed into a quickly muttered ”What day is it?”  to whomever is around … followed by a long sigh. Today is Tuesday.

A Word on Fibromyalgia Fatigue

Describing what it’s like to have Fibromyalgia is difficult. Not only is it an invisible illness, but each symptom “sounds” like typical body aches and issues which accompany any normal life — pain, fatigue, etc. But the fatigue was the instrumental factor in my beginnings of searching for a diagnosis. It was a fatigue I had never felt before. I knew something was wrong with my body, but neither I nor my doctors could pinpoint what was the cause … not for 3 years.

I found this description of Fibromyalgia-related fatigue on Pro Health’s website. It’s the most accurate description I’ve ever come across. It puts words to feelings and struggles.

The fatigue experienced by fibromyalgia patients is nothing like the fatigue most people experience at the end of a long day or following a strenuous workout. It is a pervasive, all-encompassing exhaustion that can interfere with even the most basic and simple daily activities. For example, FM patients frequently say that by the time they shower and get dressed to go out, they are too tired to go anywhere. 

Another defining factor of the fatigue of fibromyalgia is that it is not relieved by sleep. Patients may awaken feeling just as fatigued as they did before they went to sleep. 

Google Did Well

I usually look past Google’s drawings, but today it caught my eye and caused me to stop and meditate on the legacy of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. There are few people who have left a legacy worth talking about, in my mind. Save Jesus Christ, I often have a hard time coming up with others, and while no man or woman will have the impact Jesus had and continues to have on humanity, Dr. King is one of the few noteworthy humans who changed the world forever. Is it a coincidence he was a Christian? I think not.

Room Lust

In a Word – Pneumonia

Yes, folks, I have pretty much been sequestered in my house with pneumonia for the last 11 days. Yuck is all I can say to that! I’ve never had pneumonia before and I pray I NEVER experience this again. Illness has also increased my fibromyalgia symptoms, so my hopes for 2012 being a better all around year have not gotten a good start. BUT, I will remain positive that my body is on the mend and 2012 will be a better year. More on that tomorrow … hopefully … depending on my energy. Man, I’m tired!

Dreams and Reality

You don’t have to be a spiritual advisor to fully understand this truth: There are dreams, and then, there’s reality. I find myself thinking about this more and more these days. My dreams are probably common for a woman my age — successful career, family, home of my own. But life, “reality,” has a way of working out quite differently then we expect. Take where I’m at now: Job, yes. Family, not so much husband and kids … and now my dad is gone … so it’s me, my pets, and my mom, who lives a few miles away, and my sister, who lives a few hundred miles away. Home of my own, SO NOT HAPPENING!

I had hoped, as had my dad, that I would be in my own home by now, but things quickly change and come the new year I will once again be moving back into my parents’ house. I moved there after college, and then when I went to graduate school. Those times were out of necessity and frugality. This time will be more for companionship and finances. My parents tried about a year ago to sell their house and downsize, but with the market where it is, you can imagine the frustration and utter defeat they felt. Now, it’s just my mom in a too-big-for-one house and me renting a house nearby. Combining our two situations and pooling our finances seems a logical scenario. I’ll admit I’m having a hard time with the whole idea of living with my mom as a single woman in her 30′s. But, when I’m honest with myself and banish the “what will people say” mentality, there is no place I’d rather be. I can’t imagine my mom having to maintain that house by herself — besides the fact of being in the house by herself day in and day out.

So, decision made. Mind grappling slowly and surely. Moving date is set and I will be the one downsizing. Anyone need a sofa? Cheers to the practical and to the joy that can and will be found in the reality realm of being.